Thursday, March 24, 2016

Lost, Lonely, Confused, Depressed and Ramblings

This post will probably be a long one.  I hope you stick around to the end and leave me a comment, some advise or just a prayer.

****This is not my picture, I got it from I Heart it****

Hello everyone.  I hope you are having a wonderful evening.  It has been over a month since my last post and honestly I don't know why.  It isn't like I haven't had things to talk about or to share but for some reason tonight I really needed to get these thoughts and words out of my head.

So for sometime I have been in pain in my left lower back area and it radiates around to my groin area and there isn't anything that seems to trigger it.  I hurt all the time and just contributed it to being overweight, out of shape and a car accident that caused major damage to the left side of my body 21 years ago.  

Living with chronic pain is nothing new for me but this was different.  This wasn't going away no matter what I did or what I took (over the counter of course).  Finally the pain started shooting down my leg and causing my back to spasm so bad I couldn't move and I almost dropped my 17 month old grandson.  I knew something was serious wrong at that point.

How scary it is to know that you could drop a child and there is nothing you could do about it.  I finally got a call into a new doctor and she ran all sorts of test on me.  Including one for Lyme Disease.  What, Lyme Disease?, no way I could have that.  I have never been bitten by a tick in my life.  But what the hell run the test anyway, what could it hurt after all I just wanted answers as to why I was hurting all the time and my ankles were swollen and have been for over a year.

Well last week I get the call from my doctor and here is what she tells me:

Thyroid, CBC, Kidneys, Iron, and so forth are normal...wooohoooo.  Especially considering I had a scare just last year over my Thyroid and the year before that.  I was shocked that my iron was normal.  Hell I have always been anemic so that was a plus that I wasn't.  Then the other news:

You uric acid is at 7.9 and should be at 6
Your liver function is at 52 and should be at 29
Your Vitamin D is basically non-existant
Final blood work results yesterday:  you have lyme disease

OMG are you effin kidding me.  Not sure why my uric acid is up but it is a sign of infection so I am being treated for gout.  Plus side on that is that the swelling has gone down.  Score for the doctor.  Bad side, I have to take a pill everyday for it.

My liver function being so high means I can't take any Nsaids which I am guess is the reason for it to be so high.  I was in so much pain I was taking 2000 mg of Ibuprofen a day.  Yes I know now that was bad.

My Vitamin D level is being handled by taking 50K a week for 8 weeks and then down to 5K a day after that.

Lyme Disease I am taking another antibiotic 2 x's a day for 21 days and being retested in 3 months for all of the above.

Finally a doctor who has actually done blood work and thought outside of the box to figure out what is wrong with me.

However, I am still broken!!!!!!  I am 85 lbs over weight, I am tired, hurting all the time, have trouble sleeping and basically feel like I am only thought of when someone needs or wants something.

As some of you know, I lost my mom and my oldest daughter less than 6 months apart 8 yrs ago this October.  I, We, have never been the same in my family since.  
This was taken Easter Sunday 2008.  Mom died less than a month later and Heather less than 6 months later.

That year 2008 absolutely sucked.  I lost my mom, daughter, house, car, marriage and being able to see my grandchildren, my dog and almost my son to his father.  My life was spinning out of control literally.  I put on almost 100 lbs which I still have almost all of it.

Fast forward to a couple of years... I have a new husband, a mostly new car, a great job, an amazing grandson who has us all wrapped around his finger.  My son and daughter live at home and things are somewhat normal.  

Yet all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.  I am so sick of being sick, I am so tired of being tired, I am exhausted from all the pain of being ignored and made to feel less than dirt.  I am tired of being lied to about everything and having stuff said to me just to make me shut up and pretend like nothing has changed.

I read something tonight on facebook that has literally broken me into a million pieces.  I want to put it out here on the web but I know if I do there will be so many issues at home over it that I won't be able to handle it.  

So I guess in closing I ask that you all say a prayer for me.  A prayer for strength, healing, love, comfort and happiness.  I need help!!!!!  I pray to God most nights, I talk to him during the day, I beg for guidance, strength and clarity but so far he hasn't answered me.  I know that he has a plan and he will answer on his time and not mine.  I just really wish he would answer me quicker.  

I want to lose the weight, I want to stop hurting, I want to feel loved, important to someone, heard and like I matter but even though the words may flow from the mouth the actions are proof.

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