Friday, December 25, 2015

♥♥♥ All I want for Christmas is MY FAMILY ♥♥♥

First I want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas.  Welcome back to my blog.

Even though this is Christmas and a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus it is also a sad and lonely time for some of us.  Yes I have part of my family here with me but there is another part that is missing for eternity and some that are missing for many years to come.

You see the one's that are missing are my Mom and my Daughter Heather.  They will be missed for eternity because GOD called them home in 2008.  There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I don't think of them.  They are forever in my heart and always around me and the rest of my family in some form or fashion.  My whole world was forever changed that year and it will never be the same again.  There aren't enough words in the world to describe how their loss has affected our family.

God took a wonderful pair of women from us and so many that year.  My mother who was the strongest woman I have ever known even when she didn't feel it.  She taught me how to survive, the difference between right and wrong, how to treat people and that family always came first.  She was diagnosed with stage 4 lunch cancer December 28, 2007 and died withing 4 months of being diagnosed.  There was no cure and the treatment they gave her was only making her worse.  It spread to her brain and she was never the same.  I was her care taker and from time to time my brothers would come and sit with her while I went home and changed and took a few minutes away.  It was the hardest thing in the world that I ever had to do until October of that year.

I know even though my mom wasn't herself and was losing a part of herself everyday that she felt ashamed for me to care for her.  She had her pride and didn't want my brothers to witness any of the things that I had to do for her in private.  She loved us all so much that she told me right before she became completely incoherent that she was sorry that she never got to teach me all the things I needed to know in life.  I told her that she taught me everything I needed to survive and how to love.  That is all a mother can truly give to her child is love and the ability to show love.

My mom was the glue that held our family together no matter what the circumstance or situation we all came together for our love for her.  She was a smart, funny, caring, loving woman who had endured so much hardship in life but she always made us feel special and loved.

Then one day in October I got a phone call saying that my oldest daughter Heather had been in a motorcycle wreck.  Her prognosis wasn't good and I rushed as quick as I could to the scene of the accident.  She was whisked away to the hospital before I got there.  She had left her two children Kaylee and Aadyn at home with her sister and never saw them again.  October 6, 2008 was the most worst and hardest day of my entire life.  Losing my mother I thought was the hardest until then.

Since Heather passed her children have been with their fathers whom will not let me see the children for their own reasons and no matter what I have done trying to see them it has not worked.  You see everyone has their own side to ever story and no matter what, once they have their story and made up their mind, nothing or no one can change it.  Trust me I have tried.

I am not a criminal, I have never been in trouble with the law, I don't do drugs, I drink about 3 times a year and that is only 1 or 2 drinks, I don't do drugs and I don't hang out with shady people.  I work, I come home, I take care of my family, my bills and my grandson who is from my other daughter and they live with me.

There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I am not missing my mom, my daughter and her children.  There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I don't think about that night and wish it was me instead of her.  Her children, my grandchildren, will never know their mother because they were too young when she died.  Kaylee was only 3 and Aadyn was only 18 months.  Heather's father and step mom had me convinced when this all happened that we would fight for the kids to stay together all together but when it came down to the actual fighting in court it all changed.

I would not wish losing a child on my worst enemy because that is something that can completely break a person.  I know, I fought hard everyday for 3 years to keep going until finally I sought help.  However, what they did was just as devastating to me.  They went to court and lied, said things that weren't true, refused to explain to me why they were doing what they were doing and stood by the father to make sure I never got to see my grandchildren again.  When I did get an answer I was told that if they didn't go along with the father than they wouldn't get to see them either.  BULLSHIT!!!!!! Is what I have to say about that.  The reason I say bullshit is because up until the day of court they were pretending to be on my side.  Don't you think that any decent human being would tell a grieving mother that things were going to get harder and have changed?

The only reason I can fathom them doing that to me is because her father wasn't mentally stable enough to deal with  having a child with his ex and not having anything to do with her until she was 16.  I don't know if it is the reason or not. I do know however that he gets our grandchildren every other weekend.  He gets to talk to them as much and whenever he wants.  I also know that he is a very skilled manipulator that can make you think he is the greatest gift to anyone ever.  I also know that his main tactic with people is intimidation.  However, he also knows that he can't intimidate me anymore.

Anyway, enough about him.  The whole point of this blog post is that I am hoping that both Jonathan and Brandon search for me on the internet and find this post if they aren't already checking it daily.  I pray and hope that they will let me be a part of my grandchildren's lives.  No matter what has happened or what will happen there is nothing more precious to me than my children and grandchildren.  They not only lost their mom that horrible night but they lost everything that they ever knew when it came to family.

The kids now live with their fathers and I can only hope and pray that they get to see each other.  I have tried to contact them but they won't respond.  I have tried to contact both of their mothers and have been told basically that the kids are doing well but they won't share any pictures or any other information with me because the fathers won't let them.

It is hard to know that I have grandchildren out there that was my daughters whole world and my whole world that I don't get to see.  I miss them so much.  I Love them more than words can express and I only want them to know that they have more family out there that Love them and want to share life with them.

Jonathan and Brandon, if you by chance do read this Please know that I only want to be able to give my grandchildren the best in life.  I want them to know that they are loved by more people than they are around now.  I want them to know who their mom was and her up bringing.  I don't hold a grudge against either of you for you did what you thought was best for your children.  I totally understand that protecting them is all that matters in the world.  However, depriving them of their history, their family and the love that we have to give is also a bad thing to do.

I beg and plead with you to please let me see at least photographs of them.  To let us know that they get to see each other and spend time together.  I pray that even if you won't let me or their aunt and uncle see them that we can watch from afar on the internet.  It was my daughter that gave them life with you and they are a part of her that I have left.  If you could only imagine the pain and loss that we have endured and still endure to this day.  Take mercy on us and allow us to see them.  We followed the rules after Heather passed in regards to visitation for Kaylee and we will follow them again.  We just want a chance for them to know us and for us to know them growing up.

I pray that you all have had a very Merry Christmas and you have had alot of Love, Laughter and Many Blessings on this special day.

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