Friday, April 24, 2015

Understanding is in the works #atozchallenge

Welcome back to another edition of the AtoZ Challenge.  The letter for today is the letter "U" so I am going to go with Understanding for my topic.  Warning this is going to get personal.

So I was reading a blog the other day and I apologize but I can't remember whose blog it was but it was only a one pager story.  Long story but it was well worth the read.  I swear this lady was talking about me.  The things she went through, her feelings, the discovering herself and all the rest.  She mentioned a couple of books by an author that I had never heard of before and the research started.

I have been a mother since I was 16 and it changed my life as I knew it.  All of my dreams, hopes, adventures and everything else went out the window.  All the things that teens get to do in High School was no longer an option for me.  Now before you go off wondering in your thoughts, I had no regrets!!!!!  Before graduation I had another child and when I graduated I was pregnant with my 3rd.  Yes I was like a Pez Dispenser as my brother called me.  He said that if a guy even looked at me I turned up pregnant from just their glance without them even touching me.

I didn't get to go to all the things that you do in high school such as Friday Night Football games, field trips, ring dances or prom.  I did get to go to Prom but I didn't stay but about 15 minutes because I knew that someone else had my children and it was my responsibility to take care of them and not someone else.  I was in a very abusive relationship with my first daughter that ended before her birth.  My second daughter's father I married but that quickly turned abusive and I got out of that as well.  The third one was my middle school sweetheart and we ended up getting married many years later.

Since I can remember I have been a parent and I wouldn't trade it for anything int he world.  However, I would change alot of things in my past if I could.

My oldest daughter was killed in a motorcycle accident almost 7 years ago this October and my life has never been the same.  I can't seem to understand why MY Daughter died that night and not no one else got hurt.  She was hit by a car full of illegals and an idiot that shouldn't have had a license to begin with.  They are both living and walking around and doing whatever they want.  I can't understand why.  I can't seem to let go of the anger, hatred, depression, feeling loss.  I have talked to people, I have read books, I have expressed my feelings in my blog post and still it eludes me on why others are still here and she isn't.

Don't get me wrong, I know that GOD is in control of everything and I pray to him all the time to help me understand, to forgive, to let it go and every night I pray I tell him that I am turning it over to him.  When morning comes, it is mine again.  I can turn it over all I want but without understanding, forgiveness and changing the way my mind thinks, then it will never truly be turned over to GOD.

I have felt lost for so long and I have not allowed myself to be truly happy even though I have moved on, remarried, started another job and am able to talk about my daughter now without crying as much.  There isn't a day that doesn't go bye that I don't think about her.  Her photos are all over my house, we talk about her as if she has never left and every day I want to pick up the phone and call her.  Then I remember I can't!!!!!!!

So back to the article that I read the other day and the author that I had never heard of.  She talked about how she always felt she had to be the best, which I try to be but fail miserably.  She talked about how it helped her understand things that she had no control over.  She talked about how this author has helped her understand and put things into perspective.  So I thought what the hell, I will give her a try.

You see, for the majority of my life I have been known as Heather's, Victoria's, Brandon's mom or as NiNi, Kevin's sister, Scott's Sister or Little Cathy.  I have never been known as just Trina.  Of course, now that I think about it, how could I?  I have no friends only co-workers, I have no outside activities other then AVON, I don't go places by myself, I am not into fashion, I don't go out drinking or anything else.  So who is Trina?  I don't know!!!!!

In hopes of understanding myself and what my life really is I have purchased these books.  The author is Brene' Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W.  She is a writer and researcher at the University of Houston.  Her books are very promising from the titles and hopefully won't disappoint.  Click this link here to read all about her and discover what she is about.  I need to Understand why I am not happy, not content with things, not letting go and knowing who I am.

Understanding is what I am hoping to gain from reading the books above.  I want to understand why I have the feelings that I have about not knowing who I am.  I want to understand how I can give forgiveness for those that have done wrong to me.  I want to understand why I can't seem to keep my thoughts together, why I can't get motivated to do things that I know need to be done.  I want to understand why it is so hard for me to accomplish all the things I want to accomplish.  I want to understand how I can get focused.

What are things you need help in understanding?  Do you ever feel lost and don't know why?  Have you read any self help books that helped you get in control of your life?  I would love to hear what your thoughts are and how you managed to understand something that was hard for you to understand at first.

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